My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
