i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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