Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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