Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
