I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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