At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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