And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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