You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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