everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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