There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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