I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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