I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
