Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
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he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
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At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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