There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
