i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
