I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
