i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
