Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I spit up blood this morning
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.