Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"