how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
