The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
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Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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