So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
