He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Randomize
