I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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