If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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