Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
