ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
