we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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