WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
there was a trapeze. enough said
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
