pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
