apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
