I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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