I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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