its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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