There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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