please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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