some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
