no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
