you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
