I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
