this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
