Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
