i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize