Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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