why didn't you poke me back
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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