I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
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I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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