everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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