my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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