am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
