hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
