I wish I could teleport
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
