you turned your livingroom into a bong?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
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I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.