a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??