Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
