I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
