I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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