It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize