I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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