I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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