Yo dont text me then not text me
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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